I've been pondering this idea for a few days now. Is withdrawing attention from someone the harshest of punishments, especially in a D/s relationship?
We've all seen pictures, or videos of various punishments being meted out in the BDSM world, some simple and some outrageous, some innovative and some exotic, and in real life I've engaged in quite a few of them. However, I haven't gone as far as to completely withdraw any attention from my sub.
In effect, if I were to do so as a punishment, then it would leave my sub without that relationship in place for as long as I chose to do it. Now, to be clear here, I'm not talking about putting her in a room, tying her up and leaving her there on the other side of a closed door. I'm talking complete absence.
No conversation, no phone calls, emails, text messages, no communication. No personal interaction, no friendly banter, no touching, no comfort knowing the other person is around.... I'm talking no presence whatsoever. Completely and utterly ignoring your existence.
Add into that a carefully manipulated doubt that they may not come back again, and give that seed time to grow. Is that as cruel as you can get between a Dom and a sub?
Utter coldness, lack of caring, complete isolation from the relationship that was there. Wouldn't that induce grief for the partnership, yet an appreciation for what was there all along? What may be lost?
I know there's a few submissive readers of this blog, and I'd be interested in your thoughts on this subject. Would the loss of your Dom for an undisclosed amount of time, with the doubt that they were ever coming back, be the worst punishment they could inflict on you for a transgression?
Anonymous can comment too, so don't be shy, folks.
Anonymous can comment too, so don't be shy, folks.
JJ
The "silent treatment," to me, is more abusive than corrective. It seems more damaging to the relationship as well. I would definitely say it's the most cruel a person can be.
ReplyDeleteIt all depends on the dynamics involved, as so many things in this area do, but if I had a person who would just completely stop talking to me ON PURPOSE, I personally wouldn't find him worth my time anymore. "I can do better," I'd say to myself.
Also, it's gotta be said - it's a little lazy. ;)
Hi Conina,
DeleteWhen I was writing this post I actually thought of you and wondered what your comment would be, and I figured that the word 'relationship' would mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. So I left it open. I'm glad you replied though, and I have to say I pretty much agree with you.
I've never done it myself, and I don't ever intend to. Obviously the options and impact for even contemplating that are different from a casual relationship to a marriage with kids, but either way, I entirely agree it would be a cruel and cold thing to do.
JJ
you've said story told from Ed's point of view is coming in the end of January. So January is over, where is the story? :( I don't want to be annoying, but you just don't know, how hard it is to wait so long for your stories (the island is awsome!).
ReplyDeleteHi Anon,
DeleteJanuary still has a few days to go :p
As for the story, I'm still writing it, and I don't want to be annoying either, but it'll be ready when it's done. I could put up something in a week but it'd be crap. Be patient, and check the blog. I'll be updating as I go.
JJ
For me, I think it would hit second my list of worst emotional punishment. I would assume the relationship was over and move on. It would hurt, but it wouldn't be something I would stick around for to suffer it out and hope for the best.
ReplyDelete-Deb
Hi Deb, and thanks for leaving a comment.
DeleteWhat would be your worst punishment, if that was the second worst?
JJ
It was only brought up in a discussion, he hasn't actually done it yet. I am hoping he never does. It's great to have limits pushed, but the thought alone, kinda hurts.
DeleteBeing tied up and gagged while he goes out to get a woman to viciously fuck in front of me. Leaving me there again, he would go and bring home the cute woman next door and make soft, slow love with her in front of me.
It was the making love part that really hit the nerve and being tied and gagged for a long period of time. Mostly the love making though. lol While he says he never will, the fear is still there. His intentions, I'm sure.
So far, this would be the worst form of emotional trauma for me. I'm sure there is more out there to top my list that I haven't discovered yet.
-Deb
That's a pretty common fear I think for women Deb. It's not so much the sex with another woman that is hurtful, but the sharing of any type of intimacy. I know I would feel the same way.
DeleteAeva
Sorry, Deb - I thought I replied to this yesterday, but it appears not.
DeleteI think some people are into being teased and mentally tortured, or get turned on watching their partner with other people. I think that's something that a lot of couples have discussed, however if he knows you're not into it, then is using it as a threat of punishment, however cruel or hurtful, is a shitty thing to do. Perhaps he's not aware of the impact the threat has on you?
Likewise, if these threats make you feel as you do, then tell him that they're hard limits. Tell him that if he does any of these things then you guys are over. State your case and your boundaries, and do it clearly, and if he's a half-decent guy, he'll respect that.
JJ
This one really hits home for me as I was in an online relationship for many years with someone who would leave me whenever he decided I was being difficult. While it wasn't a Dom/Sub type relationship, I was most definitively submissive and became more so with each of his departures over the past six years.
ReplyDeleteThere has been a pattern each time for me, stages of emotions. First anger and the initial feeling, fuck you I don't need your crap anyway type reaction. Then a panic, an apology, begging forgiveness, and the willingness to do anything to get them back. Next comes the pain, the type that leaves you in the fetal position crying over the loss of this person.
When he returns there is a mix of such joy and yet so much anger over the pain he caused. Even if things become better between you again always in the back of your mind your waiting to be left again. The trust is gone, even the good he speaks can no longer be believed and self confidence is shattered.
Honestly I cannot think of anything anyone could do to damage a person more than to completely remove themselves from you without a word. The worry, anger and pain are immeasurable, damage lasting. The desperation and constant fear changes the person you were, how could they then still want you if you've changed into this pathetic, insecure person? And why would you then still want them in your life?
Thanks for your candour, Aeva.
DeleteI often think it's easy for people to act without considering the consequences of their actions, yet the very question of the harshness of this act, as a premeditated thing made me want to open it for discussion. I'm glad that you've come forward with some experience of it.
I take it you're not with this gentleman any more?
I actually started my blog and visiting forums in a way to separate myself from said gentlemen actually. I realized that what I craved was the attention, when it was positive, and the option to be entirely open and honest about all of my sexual needs. Why seek one man's attention when I can have hundreds eh?
DeleteAs you stated, it "an appreciation for what was there all along" that keeps one holding on, holding your breath waiting for their return in hopes to have just a sliver of what was once there. Meanwhile suffering so much grief. As I told him once, I've been brutally beaten by a man to punish me once in my life and the physical pain from that beating was nothing compared to the lasting pain one can cause by disappearing from your life without a word.
In my experience you can never go back, it's not something you can recover from. The trust is gone. Using absence to punish one does not make the heart grow fonder, only unsettled, desperate and hurt. It's a very ugly thing to do to someone.
I am glad you brought it up JJ. Perhaps reading all the input will discourage someone from treading down this path..
Here's hoping :-)
DeleteJJ
I think this kind of pain crosses many relationships. My husband has never done anything like this to me, but I can think of other relationships where this has happened, and particularly when its someone you're close to, it can be shattering.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Aeva it changes the relationship in a permanent way, there is no going back and it often spells the end of the relationship and if it doesn't it can be some of the most distractive and personally scaring things that can happen to you. I think its because this is like letting off a machine gun, it doesn't just hit the relationship you're in, but all of them around you and most likely the ones you'll go into.
Great analogy, Anon - from what everyone is saying the 'machine-gun' effect is a really good way to describe it.
DeleteThanks for commenting :-)
JJ