Domination: The Guilt (Updated)

I read an article late last night that's been praying on my mind.

It was about how it's normal to feel guilty when you first start doing things as a Dom to a sub, and that's a feeling I remember all too well.

The feeling that what I'm doing is wrong, is nasty, sick or disgusting. How can I lift my hands to a woman and spank her that much that she cries? How can I wrap my hands around a womans neck and squeeze until she's gasping for air, and not be anything other than a serial-killer in the making. How disrespectful to her is it that I ram my cock down her throat, or spit on her, or treat her like a piece of meat that's there for me to just fuck.

It's because of the consent. The willingness. The co-operation and understanding of a partnership. It's because she wants it too.

The Dom/sub relationship is an intense one, especially once it's been going long enough to get that almost psychic bond that allows you to know without words what the other is thinking. The change in the normal rules of 'couples', the departure from the everyday morals handed down from state, church, older generations, friends, all the people who say this is right, this is wrong. That's sick.

You're stepping away from that. Your moral boundaries become what is agreeable between you and your sub, limited only by what you're both comfortable with and whatever your imaginations can conjure up. That doesn't mean that your conscience doesn't rebel though.

I found, and I'm glad the article agreed with me, that as long as the communication is open and honest between you both, that you give it a little time and continue to learn about each other, and that you ensure that consent and trust is there in everything you do, then the worries, the feelings of guilt and self-condemnation ease away.

Then you can get on with the nasty.

While I was writing Threads: The Island I touched briefly upon this subject, with Kyle being the vanilla guy and Patricia being the deviant sub, and how their sexual tastes clashed. It's something I plan to explore more in the next book, particularly how Kyle reconciles himself with doing things to a willing and wanting woman, things that he's always considered wrong. How does a guy who's formative sexual experience was making love with an incredible intimacy suddenly become aroused by aggressively taking someone while physically restraining her? It's a big change of perspective, and one I think you have to be naturally inclined for in order to embrace.

That's not to say he will or he won't. That's still to be written, but as for me, my Dom thoughts and tendencies, my feelings of guilt....

I remind myself none of it is possible without the consent and willing participation of the suib, and I remember the joy on her face, the pleasure radiating from her, and the embrace and words we share after.

A Dom needs a sub to be a Dom. You can't have one without the other.

JJ 

UPDATE:

Butterfly Flip has written a very insightful blog about the sub's perspective in a D/s relationship, and you can find it here:
http://understandingflutterby.blogspot.com/2012/01/submission-kink-or-more.html


Well worth a read, and a follow!
JJ